Why Are You Single?

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The most common question I’m asked at least 2-3x a week. Yesterday, my psychiatrist asked me this. I’ve noticed that I tend to switch answers every time I reply to this question, depending on my mood. In my head, I have about 20 reasons why ~I think~ I’m single. However, no one is going to listen to more than maybe 2 reasons why, and if I even dared to respond to the question in a text with multiple reasons, forget it, I’m “crazy.” Anything more than 3-4 sentences at once is just too overwhelming for people I’ve noticed…

Yesterday my answer to my psychiatrist was, “I guess I haven’t found someone yet.” The most plausible and rational answer to this question I believe. I’m 26, I’m young, I have a few years left until I want to get married and have kids. I believe that I was put on this earth to be a mom. I literally cannot wait to have babies. I know, I know, I probably sound naive since I have ‘no idea what I’m talking about,’ or that I haven’t even witnessed all the sleepless nights, babies vomiting, crying 12 hours every day, etc. To be honest, I feel like the negative aspects of having kids are more heavily portrayed online and in the media than the wonderful ones. I haven’t lived a life of rainbows and sunshine, I’ve had more complicated childhood and college years than most people I know. So even though there is an overwhelming amount of negativity associated with having kids, I am doubtful that I can’t handle it with the wonderful support system I have around me. I’ve never hesitated once about having babies.

Back to this whole relationship/single thing, essentially I’m just so excited to start a family, that I am really, really, just dying to meet someone and give them all of the love that I have to offer. Of course, I can have a family without marrying someone or having a partner, but seriously, I’m young… and until I’m 35 and still single, I’m not toying with that option. I WANT a partner, someone to share my life with, someone to wake up next to, someone so create memories with. People ask me, “Why are you single?as if I chose this life for the past 5 and a half years. Going to bed alone for 5 years. Eating alone for 5 years. Having no +1 for 5 years. But, didn’t I choose this?

I’m a big believer in taking control of the things that you can control in your life. You don’t like your job? Apply to a new one. Not happy with the way you look? Go to a gym. Eat healthier. Etc. I’m not someone who sits at home complaining about how my life is unraveling and does nothing to change it. I HATE those kind of people. I Image result for only single frienddon’t have the highest paying job right now, and I wasn’t going to be the one complaining about buying people gifts during Christmas like it was a chore. I love to buy people gifts whether it’s for Christmas, their Birthday, etc. I have an organically creative mind, so I tend to view gift-giving as a creative challenge; what can I do to make this gift special and unique? Something different and memorable? So what did I do, I got a second job during the holidays so I wouldn’t be stressed about finances. The holiday has become filled with negative energy due to the financial constraints of many Americans. I get it – I live in NYC and have been busting my ass trying to make extra money and cut back on expenses. However, I don’t want to dread such a magical and holy time of the year when I have the control to make it more or less stressful.

There are some things you can’t control: when a family member gets sick, the weather conditions, the stock market, etc. So I try to make the most of the things I can control: my health (obv not genetics) exterior appearance, career, and my relationship status. Isn’t the status of being single or not a choice? Didn’t I choose this after all? How can I say “I didn’t choose to be single” if no one else is making decisions for me? 

I did choose this life, this relationship status, or lack there of. I did choose and am choosing single right now. We live in a blame culture where we tend to blame people for things that don’t go our way #ThanksObama #ThanksTrump #ThanksAmerica ~sarcasm~. Impulsively, I sometimes say that I didn’t choose to be single since I want to blame the overwhelming amount of assholes who send me dick pics, the flaky guys who don’t show up to our date, the creepy guys who cat-call me on my commute home from work. I want to say, “Well I mean look at the guys who hit on me, it’s Image result for only single friendtheir fault I’m single! This is why I’m single! It’s because they’re all assholes!” Not like this statement is false or anything, they are assholes, but it’s not their fault I am single. I am just choosing not to date them, because well… for obvious reasons.

I sometimes forget to make myself aware of this, because no one wants to hear you rattle off reasons why you’re the victim, and why everyone else (men/society) is to blame for you being single. It just sounds like you’re not taking responsibility for your own situation. For the first 3 years of being single after my last relationship in 2012, I was very self-aware of my choice to be single. My ex cheated on me in Vegas and then got engaged to the girl he cheated on me with 3 months after we broke up. That, um, took a toll on me, lol. That was heartbreaking, not the actual breakup, but the ultimate disintegration of trust and loyalty. Of course he lied to me when I first confronted him about acting different when he came back from Vegas. The worst part of the whole thing was being lied to, face to face, and having your throat grow dry and your stomach feel hallow as you finally lock eyes, and BOOM. You just know it. There’s something that can sense the slightest difference and unfamiliarity in someone who you thought you knew, who you thought you could trust, who you thought you could depend on. And then it’s all gone with a blink of the eye.

After the breakup, I genuinely wanted to be single and have zero commitment with a guy in the near future. I was like, “Fuck this relationship crap for a while. I ain’t going through that pain again anytime soon.” After I graduated college, I was working full time M-F and part time Saturday and Sunday. I was working 7 days a Image result for being single imagesweek – legit exhausted and miserable. As someone who was still recovering from an eating disorder, I was still working on parting ways with my anxious mind and getting back to the behaviors of a mentally stable human being – not forcing myself to workout 6-7 days a week, not weighing and measuring everything I ate, etc. When you’re dealing with a mental illness, your hormones are out of wack, your perspective of life is skewed and often irrational. I didn’t have much sex drive during this time [when I was sick and recovering] since I’d rather go to the gym than take a rest day and go on a date, consume unnecessary/unknown calories, and leave me panicking the rest of the night and upcoming week.

Therefore, I really didn’t even have a desire to get into a relationship until I mended the relationship I had with my own anxious mind. I’m aware that this is going to be something that I will have to continue working on for the rest of my life, however, only until 2 years ago did I really feel ‘healthy’ enough to get into a relationship again. Even when I first dated my ex ~6 years ago, I was no where near healthy or mentally stable to get into a relationship. Yet I was young then, I was 20, and I wasn’t as self-aware as I am now about my anxiety and behavior. From ~August 2016 until now, I’ve finally felt “ready” to be with someone else as I’ve learned how to love myself first. That’s the good ‘ole cliche phrase they tell you about in therapy and self-help books anyway, right? As much as I hate that phrase, it’s true. It’s necessary.

Since I was 13 I have been working on my self-esteem, anxiety, OCD, self-confidence, and body image with my therapist and support system. So now, 13 years later, after I finally learned how to love myself, why doesn’t someone love me?
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The worst part about people asking you, “Why are you single?” is the constant feeling of failure [IMO]. Like, “Why are you single? You’re pretty, smart, athletic, kind – I don’t get it?” If I’m all of these wonderful things, I must have done something wrong – I must have failed or made a mistake somewhere that is causing me to go to bed alone every night, right? I’ve been learning that the most frustrating part of this whole question/experience is the way that people view “being single.” There’s obvious misconceptions portrayed by those who are naturally dependent or possibly even insecure with being single. People who don’t have that organic independent nature have a hard time comprehending that, I don’t know, I can function without another person’s hand holding mine? Okay, that was petty, butttttttttt… I seriously run into so many people who ask, “But don’t you want someone to go to the movies or dinner with?” Um, fucking obviously Karen! But I don’t NEED someone to go to the movies with me, to dinner with me, or to kiss me on the forehead before I go to bed. That would be nice, yeah, but it’s not necessary. ~ I don’t need no man. ~

I’m not gonna lie, I bitch and vent to my friends a lot about being single, but mainly cause I don’t have any other single friends, lol. I love to go out, I love to meet people, but a lot of my friends… don’t. I don’t have the “partner in crime” or wing-woman friend to go out with, so it leaves me by myself most of the time. It’s okay, because like I said, I’m used to being alone after all the years, but of course it just gets old sometimes. It’s always easier to “do single” when you have someone else doing it with you.

Here are the answers I would give before when someone asked me, “Why are you single:”

  • There’s too many options (dating apps, dating websites, dating events, etc) to [want] to commit to just one person
  • People in NYC are too busy to date
  • The guys I meet don’t want to commit
  • The guys I meet are assholes
  • No one likes me
  • I’m not skinny enough
  • I’m not pretty enough
  • I don’t have time to date
  • I don’t have money to date
  • My standards are too high
  • I must be too picky
  • I just haven’t met someone I really like yet

…and… that’s it, I think. While all of the above points are things that I wouldn’t claim as “false statements,” cause yeah, there are guys who are assholes, I am picky, I haven’t met someone I really like yet, etc. Yet these statements are not answers to why I am single. The answer is because I have chosen to be single. I have chosen not to commit to someone who I wasn’t really crazy about. I have chosen not to commit to someone who didn’t have enough time to devote to me. In these cases, I assume I could have dated them, but I chose not to. Being single is a choice, and so is being a relationship. If you aren’t happy in your current relationship, then leave. No one is forcing you to stay in a relationship that isn’t making you smile each and every day. No one is forcing me to be independent and go home alone every night – I have chosen this life. I have chosen to remain loyal to my standards, and not let them drop just because I’m sick and tired of going to bed by myself every night. I have chosen to put myself before any guy that tries to mess with my confidence and mental health.

Why Am I Single?

I choose to be.

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Why I Work.

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Since it’s the first day of my monthly !You’re!Not!Pregnant! 5-day nightmare, and I have cried 3 different times this morning reading cute Buzzfeed articles, I figured I needed a good ‘ole writing catharsis. I haven’t wrote in a while since my full-time work days are now 9am-8pm, Monday-Friday, and my part-time work days are two 9 hour long shifts on both Saturday and Sunday. I have a few hours to spare when I’m not working, but honestly, drinking a martini or watching SNL clips in bed sound 10x more desirable compared to writing right now.

On average, I am working 70-75 hours per week. I’ve been a psychotic workaholic since as long as I can remember. I’ve never related to the whole “Millennials are lazy, entitled assholes who do Image result for virgo symbolnothing and expect everything to be handed to them” comments. When I was in college I took 18 credits a semester and worked part time 16 hours a week at Comcast HQ. Since graduating college 3.5 years ago, I’ve had 3 different part-time jobs that I held all during the same time I was working another full-time job. I think it’s part of the near-perfect work ethic my father instilled into my head when I was younger. I think it’s also part of my organic Virgo nature – being a perfectionist and trying to take on as much as I can. And I think it’s also because New York City is fucking expensive and I really don’t want to swim in debt for the rest of my life.

Yet there is one more reason why I work so much that may not be as obvious to the outside spectator. The thing is, I’m not very good at relaxing. I’m constantly seeking a new challenge or adventure to take on. I’m always looking for ways to better myself whether that means going to the gym or reading another self-improvement book in Starbucks. I go grocery shopping, photographing Manhattan, or even just reorganize my entire room when I’ms stuck at home with nothing to do. I’m physically unable to take naps unless I spent the whole morning day-drinking Bloody Mary’s with my friends (alcohol is typically the only thing that puts me to sleep instantly as depressing and concerning as that sounds). I don’t like going to the movies (unless I REALLY want to see it) because I feel like I could be more productive rather than sitting/starting at a screen for 3 hours. This is a small glimpse into my anxiety, as people with anxiety have a hard time “living in the moment.” People who suffer from anxiety disorders are constantly worrying about the past and the future: something that has happened already or something that has never happened (and may never even happen). We are unable to focus and enjoy the current moment because we are too caught up on the “what ifs” and “could be’s.” As much as I have progressed with my anxiety over the past 13 years, this is still a huge struggle of mine.

But since I am someone who has suffered with anxiety for more than half my life now, I’m Related imagestrongly acquainted with the factors that can either trigger or prevent my anxious mind from unleashing. Anyone who has suffered with any mental illness for that matter can understand that your mind is your own worst enemy. As much as we like to blame society, family, or friends for feeling the way we do, we are the only ones in control of our own thoughts. When we let our anxious mind control the majority of our thoughts, our perception of reality becomes more skewed and less clear each and every day.

I realized that constantly filling my days with work and things to do occupied more of my mind for less anxiety to creep in. It’s like my body needs constant stimulation for my mind to feel completely still and unbothered. Ask anyone who has suffered from an anxiety attack or depressive episode: being completely alone with your thoughts can be the most harmful and dangerous thing when you’re not mentally stable. The things we tell ourselves are often the most destructive things we will ever hear. When people are trapped with their own harmful thoughts, the consequences often require serious medical attention or possible hospitalization.

To put this all in “Millennial” terms, I’m not much of a ‘Netflix & Chill-er.’ I have a hard time concentrating during movies and TV shows, since my mind is wandering off creating a visual To-Do list of things I ‘should’ be doing. It’s not normal to have this lacking desire of relaxation and serenity – I know that, and I have known that for years. Yet thankfully I’m in a place where my physical health is stable and my mental health has been a lotttttt better than it has been in previous years. I think that’s the problem with others who suffer from mental illness: they are always seeking something that will completely rid their mind from the personal destruction, yet I have come to accept that working to minimize the struggle has been more successful than seeking to destroy it completely.

This year has been a tough one for me, and I’m sure for many others as well. My apartment was Image result for quote about anxietybroken into in January, 6 different dates bailed on me an hour before we were supposed to meet, the 2 guys I *actually* grew to like had a girlfriend on the side that I later found out about, this is my last year of health insurance under my family’s policy and I’m petrified about affording medical insurance next year, I suffered through a relapse in the spring and ended up crying on hold with the suicide prevention hotline on a Friday night, I wasn’t able to visit my friends in Philly or LA nearly as much as I have in the past due to financial struggles, and the list goes on.

This may seem like “third world problems” for some people, and it may seem like a nightmare to others. I know I’m blessed by God in so many ways – ways that make all of this seem like over-dramatic nonsense. My dad is almost 5 years healthy and free from cancer, my boss and co-workers have been an amazing support system through every battle this year, I have not self-harmed in many ways that I have in the past years, and lastly… even though it SUCKS so bad to discover the guy that you are falling for kissing some other girl online, thank freaking GOD I am not that girl – the one who tells her friends how “faithful and loyal” her man is to her. Seriously, thank God I am not in her shoes.

When the shitty stuff happens, I turn to work. I turn to spreadsheets and numbers and PowerPoints to take my mind off the burglary, fuckboy problems, and family illnesses. It’s a way of avoiding the problem sometimes, I know that, but from the moment I started working full-time when I was 19, I said one thing to myself that has consistently stayed with me: “No matter what is going on in my personal life, I will never let it affect my work.” I am so driven, so determined, and so hungry to succeed independently in my career, that it’s something I will never choose to let go of. I believe that sometimes the only way to recover from something is to fill the mind with something else to concentrate on. A lot of people don’t get over an ex until they meet someone else. Some people can’t give up smoking unless they find something else to fill that void. I don’t think it’s the absolute worst thing to do, especially when that replacement is 5x better than it’s precedent. I know when I’ve reached my limit when I start to get sick or haven’t seen my friends/family in weeks – I know when I need to step back. But at least my career is something I have control over when everything else in life seems to be spiraling out of my control.

 

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” – Lady Gaga

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#CommutingWhileFemale

Disclaimer: Before you start to assume that this is some anti-male radical feminist piece – it’s not. This is a piece about common human decency. 

Typical fashion choice for me in 1999

#Vintage #Adidas HA

I am the only girl of two brothers – one older, and one younger. I started to play soccer when I was 5 years old, and found myself gravitating to more “masculine fashion” in grammar school – AKA, I was a tomboy. I liked to wear my brothers clothes and hang out with his older friends. I would play Zelda, Mario Cart, Super Smash Brothers – any Nintendo64 game you could think of – with a bunch of dudes after school. They were always nice to me, and never did they say I couldn’t ‘play’ with them after dinner with my brother. I remember my winter jacket in 4th grade was a Tommy Hilfiger yellow and navy bubble jacket from the little boy’s section. I wore a lot of baggy T-shirts to school paired with my Adidas shorts I wore to soccer practice.

I was really good at soccer – so good that when I was 17, I was recruited to play for a Division 1 university. When I was younger, I would always try and play soccer with the boys at recess. When you are an athlete, you have this organic competitive nature that is constantly seeking a challenge. I started playing soccer with the boys at recess – lightly monitored by school aids – and I would end up being pushed and shoved with my knees bleeding and dirt stains on my shorts. Yet I would get back up, rub down my muddy knees, and get back to playing. I started to get mad since some of the boys would complain that since I was a girl, I wasn’t allowed to play with “them.” I would tell the school aid that this wasn’t fair since I was just as good as them, and they would reply, “Boys will be boys.”

Thankfully, I grew out of my tomboy phase and started to study fashion and beauty magazines in high school. Now – at age 26 – putting on makeup is actually something I look forward to in the morning. Shoes are essentially my favorite thing to buy, and every Christmas I ask for a new designer bag to take to work each year. I just started working at a second job for extra money – Anthropologie – and I’m actually concerned if this job willNo automatic alt text available. even be profitable. With a 40% employee discount and a 60% ‘business wear’ discount each month on certain pieces, this has my wallet growing smaller even thinking about what I plan to buy.

The thing is, as much as I love fashion and beauty, it has been more of a frustrating process to go shopping lately. When I go shopping, I have to worry about a shirt being too low cut, a jacket being too cropped that it won’t cover my butt, and shorts that are too tight on my legs. I have to worry about the way my hair is when I leave my apartment, wanting to wear red lipstick, and walking out in heels that are too loud. I have to consider all these things since it will essentially heighten the chances of me being cat-called. I don’t remember the last time I went a day without having a man shout names at me, whistle at me, pucker at me, lick his lips at me, or approach me when I was commuting. And NO – this isn’t me being cocky or flattering myself. This isn’t me bragging that I look nice or I must be ‘just so pretty’ that guys approach me like this. This is me complaining – not bragging. This is me EXHAUSTED from the constant harassment I have to deal with everyday #CommutingWhileFemale.

Sexual Harassment is nothing new, but it is being mentioned now more than ever for appropriate reason(s). Over the past 2-3 weeks, Harvey Weinstein has been one of the most talked about topics in the media – no matter which news channel or blog you get your information from. Multiple celebrities are currently speaking out about their horridly inappropriate experiences working with Weinstein, strongly claiming that he has been sexually harassing women the the past 3 decades. According to ET Online, “Weinstein has reached at least eight settlements with women over sexual harassment claims from 1990 to 2015.” However, these past encounters are now resurfacing thanks to Ashley Judd,  “the first big name star to go on the record,” with her allegation against Weinstein for sexual harassment.

You might be thinking – but why now? Why is Kate Beckinsale just speaking out NOW about her inappropriate experience with Weinstein – after 27 years have passed by? For attention? For press?

I can see why you’re thinking that, however, it’s a no and a no. It’s not for attention and it’s not to gain press. People like Beckinsale are just speaking out about this now because when you are 17 years old and just being introduced into this extremely competitive and fast-moving industry, you’re first thought about meeting a powerful producer is not, “I have to worry about being sexually harassed.” It’s typically, “I will do anything to make it in this industry,” or “I really hope he likes me so I get this part,” or “I have to make sure I make a good impression.” As she stated, “It did not cross my mind that this older, unattractive man would expect me to have any sexual interest in him,”

To think that females [as young as 17 years old] need to start considering sexual assault as a likely possibility throughout their schooling and career is absolutely pitiful. You would think that anyone’s first reaction is to tell their parents/friends/management that this is unacceptable – right? I’ve seen men say this online, “well why didn’t they just go tell someone if it was such a problem?” News flash, idiots –  most of the time these women will have their careers destroyed or be threatened by the accuser if they even think about opening their mouth. As you see in many movies and television shows including sexual assault and/or domestic abuse, the abuser will threaten the victim in more ways than you can imagine: threatening to kill them, kill other people, beat them, take the kids, ruin their life, ruin their career, etc. So to the men who say, “well why didn’t she just tell someone,” I would like to see how easy it is for you to report a case of assault or abuse when your abuser threatened to kill you or ruin your career if you even uttered a word about the occurrence.

Going back to the everyday sexual assault that I witness commuting to and from work – it would seem the most plausible to just keep quiet and keep walking. Sometimes in life, the best thing to do is ignore the noise and continuing walking in your own path. Yet I have ‘ignored the noise’ for the past 5-6 years. With all of the stories of sexual assault arising in the news today, and the heartbreaking stories I read every morning on my social media, I’ve had enough of ‘keeping quiet.’ I don’t want to put myself in a scenario where I can be threatened or chased, but I am disgusted and exhausted with this behavior occurring. Maybe if I speak up against this behavior the next time it happens, I can prevent it from happening to the next girl walking behind me.

 

For HELP and More Information on this serious matter, call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

 

How Reading Helped Save Me

I am a bookworm. My mom is an avid reader, however, we have entirely different interests when it comes to reading. I started reading for leisure purposes in high school. I’m pretty sure the first series I read that got me interested in books was Twilight – I know, judge me. While this writing wasn’t anything exceptional in my opinion, this novel-turned-movie sparked the world’s (and my temporary) obsession with vampires, oddly…

I read a few other light reading books such as Five People You Meet in Heaven, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, etc. Reading wasn’t something that was a priority for me, though, since I was already reading so much material in high school and college, constantly falling asleep in my 600 page textbooks and barely finishing those summer reading novels. It wasn’t until my 3rd year of university that I started spending hours wandering around Barnes & Noble.

My roommate Megan is who I thank for this developed passion. Megan and I were roommates for 3 years and she is still one of my best friends to this day. Megan is one of the nicest people you will ever meet, like… if you have a problem with Megan, then there is a probably a Image result for you're the average of the five peopleproblem with you #SorryNotSorry. She is bubbly, enthusiastic, loving, thoughtful, and optimistic. I was in therapy all throughout college, and although I absolutely loved my college counselor, I said that sometimes the best therapy was just surrounding yourself around the right people. To this day, my favorite quote is, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. ” Being around Megan’s positive and effervescent energy helped me look at things in a brighter light even on my darkest days. I was starting to believe that I could actually achieve happiness rather than just daydream about it. Megan was recommending certain speakers and authors to me that helped [even] her with certain mental and emotional battles she was fighting against. This marked the beginning of my true investment into self-care and self-improvement. I am forever grateful for Megan’s impact on my life, and helping me seek the power of reading.

Self-care is something that is truly undervalued and underestimated in today’s society. I am a victim Related imageof putting other people first and myself last. I used to say to my therapist that making other people is what made me happy (since I truly didn’t know what made me happy anymore in the depths of my anxiety and depression). Although making people smile and laugh does deliver a great amount of joy to my mood, it is not something that delivered long-term happiness. I would be so elated for those 30 seconds after a friend opened my gift, or if a little girl smiled at me when I opened the door for her at the mall. After 30 seconds to a minute, I was back to my normal “bleh” attitude. I put other people’s happiness before my own, I bought things to please other people instead of buying what I actually needed, and I cared more about what other people thought of me than what I actually thought of me.

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This is a huge commonality between males and females, especially in the digital age. We have a constant stimulation of new information and people thrown at us everyday. We are endlessly trying to keep up with all the superficial positive reinforcement online from friends, family, and even strangers. We have become obsessed with what other people think about of us, which has caused us to fall aloof of what we think about our true selves, and how we want to think our true selves When we prioritize other people’s opinions of us first, we become slaves of their approval, and therefore forget to take care of what we really need, want, believe, etc.

I started studying psychology initially in high school when I took AP Psychology. In college, I took so many psychology electives that I’m pretty sure if I took one more it would have qualified me as  a psych minor. I became immensely intrigued in the thought processes of the human mind. I read pages and pages of data just out of my own genuine interest. From a young age, I was always hearing from my doctors, “It’s all in your head. Your thoughts are not reality.” I was confused at the time being a young teenager, but the pieces were starting to fall together the deeper I dived into psychology. I was realizing that my thoughts controlled my behavior, and my behavior was destroying me inside and out. My thoughts of being too fat and not good enough would cause me to not eat. Not eating caused me to feel cranky throughout the day and lash out on my family and friends. Lashing out on my family and friends caused me to feel alone and angry at everyone. I was self-sabotaging myself, yet the whole time I thought it was because people thought I wasn’t good enough. But the only person who thought that was me.

What consumes your mind controls your life.” One of my favorite quotes. When I started to read these self-improvement, I started to see a brighter light ahead of me. I was reading books that weren’t just a dump of data and charts, but REAL people who wrote about their REAL life experiences — that were exactly like mine! I was finally able to recognize that I’m not the only one Image result for what consumes your mind controls your lifebattling these mental thoughts, and MOST people feel pretty negative about themselves from time to time. However, the crucial difference is that most people do not change or take action to transform these thoughts. Most people do not seek guidance, as they find it to be a form of weakness. I can relate – that was totally me. But after a long long long time of suffering, I realized that it is beneficial to everyone in my life to seek help. Many people look at “self-help” books as a form of desperation, which is why so many people are unhappy with their life; they do nothing to change, even if it’s just reading a book. I’m sorry, but the fact that maybe your partner cheated on you or that you lost your job is not #ThanksObama worthy. We live in a blame culture that is toxic and contagious. If you’re unhappy and you do nothing about it, how do you expect to achieve your goals? Do you think people are going to consistently do things for you? Or even continue to help you? Luck only goes so far…

To this day, I have read over 30 or so books on self-development and self-improvement. I don’t like calling these books self-help due to the negative connotation. When people refer to these books as “self-help books,” or even ask, “Why do you read so many of those depression books?” – I respond back with something along these lines…

“It’s a self-improvement book, since last time I checked, I’m not perfect and neither are you. I like reading about how I can change my thoughts to become more productive, more optimistic, more driven, and more successful. I honestly just want to continue to be more awesome tomorrow than I was the day before.”

Typically after that response, they have no more naive questions :).

 

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Change Your Thoughts: Renew Your Motivation

It’s been over a month since I last published a piece on here, and every time a hiatus like this occurs, I am compelled to explain myself as if anyone even cares. We tend to feel responsible to explain to people what’s going on in our lives when we have decided to make it public. Social media influencers complain that they shouldn’t have to tell their followers about a recent break-up, fight, etc. that happened – but when you choose to tell your audience about your private life, they wanna know everything, duh? And *especially* the juicy stuff – #WeWantTheDrama.

Yet, I am no celebrity (shocking, I know), and I unfortunately have no juicy news to disperse. It is the most common answer that many of us refrain from stating since giving a legit excuse seems more acceptable.  I just didn’t feel like writing. I read a great book (highly recommend), “The War of Art,” which states the most relatable problem humans have: starting is the hardest part. Whether it’s quitting smoking, going to the gym, writing, reading, etc., the first step (which would seem the easiest) is the hardest. You would think that just getting dressed for the gym would be easier than finishing sprints on the treadmill, right? Nah, cause once you are there, the rest is taken care of – the motivation kicks in, adrenaline is pumping, and your body is taking care of the rest once you surpassed the mental battle. Sometimes, you are just in “that mood” of not wanting to do anything, not wanting to put in effort to something else when you are already feeling exhausted from your regular day-to-day responsibilities. “I already worked for 9 hours, stood into a sardine-packaged subway train drenched in sweat and B.O., and now you’re telling me to go lift 150 lbs of weight on my back?!” Yeah, I’ll pass. The more you think of it, the more it sucks.

People ask me all the time how I have the motivation to workout, how I have the motivation to read, etc. I think a lot of people who struggle with “getting started” look at bodybuilders and freelance writers and think, “I can’t believe they look forward to doing that every day.” No no no no. Gosh, we hate doing it, just like you! Okay so I don’t hate writing or dislike reading, but I have the same “ugh, I just don’t wanna” feelings as you do. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I genuinely wanted to go workout. I would love to just go home and lay in bed and binge watch Dexter every day, but this contributes 0% to the goals I want to accomplish in life. I’ve learned that looking at these certain behaviors as part of your lifestyle rather than end-goals has been extremely helpful in diffusing that “ugh, I don’t wanna do it,” feeling.

For example, most people hate working out. Working out takes effort, sweat, money, etc. It’s easier to just go home and watch Netflix all evening. Who would choose to pant for breath and pick up 100s of weights than lay down in their cozy comforter? People who dread working out typically have an end-goal that they want to accomplish; lose 30 lbs, get rid of their love-handles, tone their arms, etc. When you look at it this way, it just creates a superficial coating around exercise. I workout to look good, yes – which is normal. However, when I look at working out as a lifestyle that will benefit my future health, it’s easier to accomplish. God knows, everyone knows I cannot wait to have kids. In order to have kids and be around for them as long as possible, I need to be healthy. I need to have a healthy heart, healthy blood sugar levels, healthy blood pressure, etc. Now this doesn’t mean I have to workout 5-6 days a week at 5 a.m., this just means that I should try to get to the gym 3-4 days a week and get in an hour of exercise. That’s it. Nothing extreme, nothing too painful. When you look at it this way, 1 hour 3-4 days a week to benefit your future health doesn’t seem as intimidating. You see America now, and everyday there is a new headline of how ‘The US is the fattest country’ and ‘More People Diagnosed with Diabetes.’ Like Jesus Christ, if this isn’t a wake up call, what is? Does anyone want Diabetes? High Blood Pressure? A stroke? I would assume no. So what do you do? You put in the work NOW. You start taking care of yourself NOW so you don’t have to be on 10 medications later. It is never too late to start, but it can be too late to start caring.

Let’s look at another example: reading. I posted an Instagram photo of all the books that I have read over the past year. I got one comment that said, “How do you have the motivation to read, I can never get started and I buy so many books!” Listen, I love reading. I love getting so wrapped up into a good book that you genuinely feel upset when it ends, or you have tears rolling down your face as your flip through the pages. But there are some days when I rather just sleep on the train rather than read. There are some days where I rather watch Netflix than read a book. Yet, when I tell myself, “Just read 15 pages, then you can go back to doing whatever you want to do.” And almost every time, I end up reading more than those 15 pages. Starting is the hardest part. Opening the book is the first step. Also, every time I end up reading or working out, I have a surge of endorphins. I feel good. It’s not that I feel better than if I didn’t read or workout, but I feel happy that I did it – I feel positive and satisfied. In the end, you will feel like it was worth it.

So whether it is working out, reading, writing, yoga, meditating, etc., remember that the hardest part is just the first step. The hardest part is all in your head. I am obsessed with psychology, and I’m constantly reading books about people’s thought processes and behaviors, so it’s biased for me to say that every mental battle in life will be harder than the physical battle. However, when you think of the worst moments in your life, were they physical happenings or emotions/feelings? The worst moment in my life was when I was in the hospital to see my dad as he was battling leukemia. Physically, I was fine, but that was the absolute worst day of my life. Seeing him so weak and fragile shattered my heart. I was feeling sad, depressed, and hopeless. It was the feelings, the emotions, the thoughts in my head that were so damaging – so hard to recover from. When you learn how to deal with your thoughts – how to combat certain emotions and negative sayings in your head – you can overcome nearly any challenge in life.

It’s all about the mind. There is a quote I saw on a Nike poster once, “Everything you need is already inside.” All you need to get started is to train your thoughts to look at things differently. Once you start viewing these “things you should be doing” as “things to help better your health/career/life,” it will most definitely increase the frequency of you accomplishing them.

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The Importance of Likability

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There are two types of people: those who experienced their glory days in high school, and those who experienced an endless nightmare. People will say that college is a “fresh start” in terms of establishing your status and persona amongst your peers. You no longer have to worry about the football captain throwing spitballs in your hair, or the “Regina George” of your school making fun of your outfits every single day. Although these people may not be around anymore physically, the experience you go through from age 3 to 18 will essentially affect the rest of your life for better or for worse.

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Ugh, this dress. Forever regretting how badly it washed me out.

I recently finished Mitch Prinstein’s book, Popular: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World. I can’t lie, I was considered “popular” in high school. I was one of the captains of the soccer team, I was a cheerleader in middle school, and I was in the top 6 finalists for Homecoming Queen. On the outside, it appears that I had a dandy high school experience; hanging out with the “cool kids,” dating the most popular boys in the school, and being known by pretty much everyone in my gradating class. I was pretty, smart, and athletic. If you have any of the same characteristics, you were probably considered “popular” in high school, too.

However, when I look back on my high school experience, I can’t say that I was necessarily ‘happy.’ The thing about being part of the popular crowd is that I always had anxiety circulating my mind about what people thought of me. Since most of the school actually knows who you are, you are constantly in the spotlight. Other students look at you walking down the hall, keep up to date with who you are dating, check online profiles for the most recent gossip, etc. Don’t get me Image result for 2000s fashion popularwrong, I am definitely aware that my high school experience was probably ideal compared to many. I was not fiercely bullied or made fun of or laughed at. I had my moments too, though, and would come home crying when people made fun of the way I did my makeup, or call me “the anorexic girl” behind my back. When you are in the spotlight, you are held to a higher standard than everyone else. You are expected to look pretty everyday, have the nicest clothes, and have the most confidence. I, however, struggled heavily in the confidence department, so I tried to make up for it by overcompensating in the other 2 categories. This meant: waking up extremely early every day to do my makeup and straighten my hair (I don’t remember ever going to school without makeup on), and picking out an outfit styled with the latest brands like Juicy Couture, Abercrombie & Fitch, Seven for all Mankind, etc.

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh God, what a harddddd life you had. You must have been so exhausting trying to look pretty every day while the other students were bullied Image result for popularity quotesand harassed in the middle of every class.” Trust me, I know I had it better than others. I know that many people would have traded places with me. The point I am trying to make here is that popularity does not end after high school. What you went through in your adolescent years does not disappear after graduation. There is no “clean slate” in college. What you go through in adolescence affects there rest of your life: your career, your relationships, etc. It affects what you choose to seek later on in life – status or happiness.

There are two types of popularity: status, and likability. It’s nice to have both, but one is far superior than the other. Let’s take status for example. Someone of status can be someone like Paris Hilton or Donald Trump. They were both born into wealth, and what we all know, money = power. The more money you have, the more “power” you are assumed to have since you have access to many things that 90% of us do not. You have more financial freedom to do the things you want to do, and do the things that many others could only wish they could do.

However, both Paris Hilton and Donald Trump are not the most “liked” celebrities out there. They are not necessarily two celebrities who you would say #goals to (unless you are a radical, irrational, and close-minded Republican), or celebrities Image result for tom hanks likablethat you would probably want to hang out with if you had the chance. This is where “likability” comes in. Being likable is the most determining factor of happiness. When you are well liked, people want to be around you, and think of you as a positive influence in their life. Well liked people are often understanding, Image result for ellen degeneres likablehumorous, good listeners, and compassionate. Some well-liked celebrities are Ellen DeGeneres, Beyonce, Tom Hanks, etc (there was so much on Tom Hanks had to include another hyperlink here on how cute and awesome he is). Compare these 3 celebrities to the Kardashians, and most people will choose to spend time with the first group. This is likability vs. status.

The thing is, many people believe that just because you were popular in high school, means that you will go forward being a successful human later in life. In essence, it’s hard to have a high status and high likability factor. Many people correlate high status with characteristics like: egotistical, selfish, narcissistic, self-centered, petty, etc. Ever see previews of that show Rich Kids of Beverly Hills? Or the Real Housewives? They come off extremely pretentious, exposing their lavish Image result for rich kids of beverly hillslifestyles to the rest of the world, AKA, people who come no where close to their financial status. Many of these people do not have the best approval rating compared to the rest of the world. Therefore, it is a challenge for them to essentially humanize their life – make it seem like they are “just one of us.” They are put on this pedestal that has a negative connotation many times, so they have to try and show their ‘likable’ side if they want to succeed even more in life (which equates with either making more money because all rich people want to become richer – or becoming happier – since of course having a high status does not make you happy).

The likability factor in popularity is key. Many of the popular kids you knew in high school who were just popular due to their financial status (being the rich kid), their looks (best looking of the grade), or their athletic ability (senior captain, fastest player, etc) do not end up the most successful or the happiest people later on in life according to Prinstein. The thing is, having a higher status will not make you happier. Being popular in high school will not guarantee you to become a reality TV star or the most popular person at your new job. So how does this relate to the digital revolution?

Right now, we are living in a society where everything you do or say is displayed on social media. Due to the rise of Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and other social networking sites, we have essentially become obsessed with sharing our lives with Image result for edited selves on social mediathe rest of the world. Social media marketing is one of the most successful forms of advertising in 2017. Brands are learning how to infiltrate your news feeds and timelines, and you will rarely see a company that does not have a Facebook or Twitter link on their Contact Us page. Although social media is supposed to be about connecting with each other, I believe it has become a medium we use to advertise ourselves as who we want to be, not who we really are. We use social media to share our “edited selves” rather than our “authentic selves.” And no matter how much we deny it, all of us just want to be liked by others.

Therefore, the power of likability is extremely relative to how we portray ourselves on social media. We have become a society who gains instant gratification from new followers and likes on the last selfie we posted. We feel more confident in ourselves when someone leaves a comment on our page telling us how skinny we look, or #bodygoals. We are constantly seeking gratification from others – whether it be strangers online or our close friends – it’s become an unhealthy obsession.

It’s normal for us to feel good about ourselves when someone compliments us – why wouldn’t we smile and have a spark of happiness? Yet, we have become so Related imagedependent on relying on other’s for acceptance, that is has completely transformed the way we display ourselves online. We are desperately seeking that likability and status combo – we want to appear like we have an awesome life, but we also want people to tell us how great they think we are. Both popular and unpopular people go through this, as popular people seek to keep up their image, and unpopular people seek to repair theirs. Typically, the more we try to impress people with our amenities and advanced status, the unhappier we become.

I know it’s a sore subject, but how many times have you read about celebrities who have committed suicide or battled with depression? You would think the #LifestylesOfTheRichAndFamous (thanks Good Charlotte) are the ones with the happiest people since they attain everything that us plebes do not have. Do you see the pattern yet? Status does not equal happiness. Status does not equal happiness. Status does not equal happiness. If you were unpopular in high school and thought the “popular” kids had it all, think again.

In conclusion, it is important to realize that most people who are popular have a hard time achieving both likability and status. There are some, like the celebrities I mentioned earlier, who are definitely well-liked and well-accomplished. However, I think most of us automatically think of status first when thinking about success. When we think about “being successful,” we typically correlate it with material goods like nice cars, big houses, and designer clothes. In reality, most of us just want to live a life where they don’t hate their job, they don’t have to battle through a divorce, and they don’t have to face much confrontation. Whether that means living in an apartment in NYC or on a small ranch in Montana, your desire to be happy will be more dependent on how likable you are, rather than what social status you’ve acquired. In the end, isn’t happiness the greatest form of success?

Concentrate on your positive qualities rather than your impressive quantities. 

 

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Authenticity in Social Media: Influencers, Paid Media, & Relentless Marketing

“Social media is more about sociology and psychology than it is about technology”

Brian Solis

You love it. You hate it. You run away from it. You run back to it. It’s made your life better. It’s made your life worse. Social media is… complicated.

As someone who has: read a handful of books, completed a 40 page senior thesis, conducted a focus group, researched for hours, and obtained a career in this fieldsocial media is a topic that I have been consistently intrigued by. It inspires me, but it also drives me crazy. I think that is how we all feel about social media at the moment. It’s almost impossible to drag ourselves away from logging into Facebook or Instagram every morning – it’s pretty much the first thing we check when we wake up. It has built relationships, but it has also destroyed relationships. It has made some things in our lives easier, but it has also made things more complicated. Social media is more about how people behave and communicate rather than an evolution in technology.

Do you remember when you first created a Facebook profile? Or the first tweet you sent out on Twitter? Or the first picture you posted to Instagram? Social Media has been around for almost half my life. I think I created my Facebook in 2007, about 3 years after it was created by my idol… Mark Zuckerberg. Say what you want about him (The Social Networkmy favorite movie – explains the history and lawsuit he was involved in while Facebook was evolving – very messy), but you have to agree that the 5th richest man in the world has to be an extremely intelligent individual.

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According to recent findings, the top 4 social media sites are: (1) Facebook (2) YouTube (3) Instagram and (4) Twitter. Facebook was the first main social media platform that excelled in user growth astronomically. Most people you know DO have a Facebook profile nowadays, whether or not they use it as much as they once did when it first became popular. Due to to the rise of the other platforms listed above, and other apps like Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Google+, etc., Facebook’s popularity among Millennials and other age groups tended to fade a bit. This is when Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, and Snapchat’s appeal grew. There is one phrase that comes to mind when describing those 4 platforms: “Short, sweet, and to the point.”

A lot of people have drifted away from Facebook due to it’s “messiness” – AKA, the Event Invites, the Game Invites, the Birthday Notifications, the Video posts, Image posts, Status Updates, Advertisements, People You May Know… and the list goes on. This is not necessarily saying Facebook is a “bad” social network or that it is too complex, however… Millennials now tend to gravitate toward the more simpler platforms where a post can be easily explained with visual cues – a photo or video.

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YouTube is a collection of videos. Search the topic you are interested in, and
browse results until you find what you are looking for. Twitter is feed of status updates under 140 characters. It’s basically the headline or summary of any specific event, feeling, occurrence, etc (Twitter is #ShortSweetAndToThePoint, which also makes it the fastest moving platform with a constant conversation flow)Snapchat is a photo and/or video that disappears in 10 seconds or less. You can send these photos/videos directly, or post them on your “story” visible to the public or your friends which disappears 24 hours after it was posted. Instagram is a feed of images or short videos posted by people you choose to follow. Similar to Twitter, you have a # of people who follow you, and you have a # of people you choose to follow. Unlike Facebook, the relationship does not have to be mutual. You can choose to follow people who do not follow you and vice versa.

When I was in my senior year of college (2013), Instagram was the “it” platform. Facebook purchased Instagram in 2012 for $1 billion – an incredibly smart move (#Biased cause of love Mark Zuckerberg but c’mon, it was a good move). Personally, Related imageI still believe that Instagram is the ‘favorite’ platform to use for Millennials – if not Snapchat. Both of them are dominating the social scene right now. The rise of “social media influencers” and social advertisements on these platforms has increased drastically throughout the years. You can now make thousands of dollars just from posting a sponsored advertisement on Instagram or Snapchat – crazy, right?

That leads me into my next point – social media influencers who are they and what do they do? When I type the word “influencers” out on my keyword, it is underlined in red as not even a real word. Social Media Influencers are the new celebrities of the digital revolution. They are people who have grown their social media audience to add up to millions and millions of followers – mainly from the Image result for social media influencerscontent they post online to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Basically, their rise to fame was not from a reality TV show (more of a 90s/early 2000s trend), or being a professional athlete, singer, actor, etc. They gained popularity primarily through what they share on social media. This can be anything from their singing abilities, makeup tutorials, or their incredible body.

When companies discover these influencers, and see how large their audience is, they say, “Hey, if we can get this person to share our product/service to their millions of followers from just making a Facebook/Instagram post, this will save us a ton of $$$, and it will reach millions of people – how awesome!” This is now what we call social media advertising/marketing.

Many companies and brands are *awesome* at social media marketing. A lot of Image result for best brands on socialcompanies, when they first start out and have a low budget, typically market their product/service on their own pages which usually costs them little to no money. Other companies will send their product to an influencer (or let them use their service) for free in order for them to share it to their audience. Influencers typically disclaim that they were sent the product for free (but they do not have to from what I can recall), but that they “would never share a product or service that they did not genuinely like.” ~Eye roll.~ I know, I know… I seem petty, but maybe it is my guilty conscious, but if a company sent me a crap ton of stuff
Image result for sponsored posts on social mediafor free, I would feel a bit bad for going online and calling it shit. I believe that a lot of influencers feel the same, so they go online and state how much they genuinely love the product/service, which will most likely lead to more free stuff in the future, and a positive networking relationship in the future. In my opinion – networking is A MAJOR KEY in life – one of the most important skills to become an expert in (…as my dad’s voice goes off in my head, “it’s all about who you know“).

However, as influencers gain more thousands and millions of followers, they start to become greedy. They don’t care as much about getting free stuff, they want the money money money. Paid social media is one of the most successful marketing Image result for sponsored posts on social mediatools used today. You have probably noticed that when you scroll through your Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter feeds nowadays, you see a lot of posts that say “Sponsored” at the top. This means that that post was specifically planted on your feed (based on your demographic, web browsing history, etc) to garner your attention. A cost is incurred depending on the type of ad planned; for example many ads incur a cost per click. There is so much to say about paid media in terms of these brand-made sponsored post, but the point is: since companies/brands realize that more people are spending MORE time on social media, so they are putting their money where you are. If their target market spends the most time on Instagram out of all social platforms, then they are going to appear on your feed there in a Sponsored post, hoping for you to click (companies also track engagement here – likes, shares, retweets, etc.) on their ad and make them some more, more money.

Influencers can be part of sponsored posts as well. Let’s look a Kylie Jenner – one of the most talked about celebrities in pop culture – with one of the most insane bodies #curvesgalore (and also labeled as #SlimThick which is the new “look” apparently), with almost 100 million followers just on Instagram (on JUST her personal account – not included her makeup line account, etc). Let’s take a look at Image result for fittea sponsorthis post here. Kylie Jenner takes a selfie with a weird sanitary pad-looking wrap on her stomach. This is apparently a ‘tummy fat loss wrap’ made by the Queen of Social Media Scam Companies – FitTea. FitTea is known for using beautiful, skinny, fit, and trending social media celebrities in their marketing campaigns on Instagram specifically. Why Instagram? Because Instagram is all about the image – it is a platform solely based on a picture and the story it tells. Therefore, FitTea uses the most social stars with the most incredible bodies, and pays them to talk about their product. Do these stars actually USE the product? My belief is no, but I am honestly not sure. I guess if I was getting a product for free and getting paid to advertise it, I would give it a try. But then again, me being someone who researches everythingggggggg – I would also hesitate to use something that is essentially a liquid laxative marketed to “detox” the body, when your body already detoxes itself naturally.

Depending on the amount of followers the influencer has across all major platforms, the brand will offer/negotiate on a price to pay the influencer for posting about their product. Sometimes the price can be $5000, and sometimes it can be $20000 or more. Each brand is different, and sometimes they may ask the influencer to use certain keywords to explain their product, or if on YouTube… talk about their product for a certain amount of time, at a certain point in the video, etc. (2 minutes at the beginning of the video, for example).

At this point, we can go back to the quote that I introduced the article with:

Social media is more about sociology and psychology than it is about technology” 

I believe through all of my extensive research online, public seminars and workshops, interviews, and books read on the topic… social media is the Image result for psychology of social mediaobservance of human actions/behavior, and the portrayal of their mental state. Social media strategists are the psychologists behind these new social media campaigns that are targeting YOU. They are researching how you communicate, what you communicate, where you communicate, when you communicate, etc. They are looking at your organic behavior and your reactive behavior. They are keeping track of trends you follow, who you follow, and how you interact with what you love and hate. This sounds kinda stalkerish and/or creepy, right? Remember when you were shopping for shoes, and then 20 minutes later when you logged onto Facebook you saw an advertisement for the SAME shoes you were just looking at? Your actions are being recorded online ev-ree-where….

Most of this piece talked about how brands/companies use social media to study their consumer and how to successfully market to them on the platforms where they are most, what messaging to use to them, what voice/tone to speak in, etc. However, we can use social media to also analyze people with our own knowledge Image result for psychology of social mediaof psychology and sociology. As someone who has been interested in psychology since my mid teens, it was a no-brainer for me to jump into the social field when it gained huge popularity (and while journalism sadly grew less popular *hint: I was a journalism major) while I was in college. As said before, I studied the way college females use social media to help shape their self-presentation as my senior research thesis.

I read and read and read and read.

I read about the word “selfie” for 4 weeks. I read about how females use social media differently than males. I read about the importance of platform selection and post time when crafting your post. All of these things dig dip into the human Image result for editing ourselves on social mediapsyche, rather than justifying social media as just a way to communicate with people. Social media is also how we communicate ourselves to the world, which is
typically our “ideal” and “edited” self rather than our authentic selves
. We share the best parts of our lives that are exciting, beautiful, memorable, unique, etc. Everything about our social media feeds – the captions we use, the type of photos we post, the language we use – is all an analysis of ourselves and how we want to be portrayed. It’s more than just communicating a friend, it’s about how we want our friend to communicate with us.

With the ability to freely edit everything about ourselves and/or our brand(s) on social media, how are we to believe who or what is authentic anymore? These posts are a compilation of what we want to hear, what we want to see, what we want to read – is any of it genuine anymore? How are we to believe who is real and who is fake? How are we supposed to know which brands are trustworthy anymore?

I can talk about this for hours – so I’ll wrap it up here before this becomes another 40 page research paper. What are your thoughts on influencers and authenticity on social media? 

 

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The 10 Most Important Things I’ve Learned About Dating at 25

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For someone who has been on almost 50 first dates, I have a hell lot to say about “dating” in 2017. I’m always surprised when I come across people who tell me they’ve only been on a few dates their whole life (and they are around the same age as me: 25). This is either because they have been with their high school sweetheart Image result for bye bye birdie 1963 kim and hugo pinfor the past 5-10 years, they are legit scared to go on dates, or because they are just really fucking ugly. HA, #JustKidding. No, it’s because in 2017 – we live in the era of the fuckboy, the era of Netflix & Chill, the era of “wyd?” texts at 3 a.m, the era of “sliding into her DM’s.” Have you ever seen any of those old movies from the 50’s or 60’s? There’s this movie (that used to be my mom’s favorite) called Bye, Bye Birdie. In the movie, the high school boy has a big crush on this beautiful girl. What does he do? He gives her a pin and asks if she “will go steady” with him. IMAGINE IF A GUY DID THAT IN 2017?!

For the past 4-5 years that I have been single, I have learned a lotttttttttttttttt. I have a lot of friends that were in 3-5 year relationships, then they break up, and now have no idea how to “be single” or “date” again. What do they do? They come to me and ask what to talk about, what to wear, where to go, etc. Since I have been single for what seems like an eternity, have been on countless dates when males of all ages, and have read several books on dating, I figured that I can provide some insight on what it’s like dating in this very baffling era.

1). The chase is real, but you don’t have to ‘play games.’ Listen, I hate when people told me, “you have to play hard to get.” It’s one of the stupid dating cliches you seem to hear from everyone. The thing is, you don’t have to “play” hard to get, Image result for playing hard to getyou just have to have your priorities straight. When we start to like someone and get excited about a possible future with them, we drop everything and make time to see them. We forget about all the other shit we prioritize like going to the gym, meeting our friend for coffee, finishing that blog piece, etc. When we get that, “Hey what are you doing tonight?” text, we tend to wash away any plans we had previously made, and make room to see this person. I have been this person for most of my dating life. Whenever a guy asked to hangout but I had plans to workout, I would tell them, “Hey! Not doing anything tonight. What’s up?” Or how about when they ask, “What are you up to this weekend?” and you respond with, “Nothing, how about you?” You’re making yourself seem like you have nothing going on in your life except making yourself available to see him/her, which translates as “easy.” It’s easy to make plans with you, it’s easy to hang out with you, it’s easy to win you over. We don’t want to be easy. I don’t know about you, but I am attracted to a guy who has shit to do — AKA, not laying around all weekend doing nothing. So when people say, “play hard to get” – don’t think of it as playing games with someone. Think of it as setting your priorities straight and not dropping other important things in your life just for this one person. This other person will likely respect that you are busy and have a lot going on – which will make you appear more attractive since it shows that they have to put in some work to win over time in your jam-packed life.

2). Chivalry is mostly dead, but not completely. What constitutes a date for you? For me, it’s dinner, a movie, going to a museum, meeting for drinks, etc. I have (swear to God) met some girls who told me that they went on a date, and when they started to explain the details about it, it was really just them going over Image result for chivalry datingto a guy’s apartment and watching a movie on their couch. NOOOOOO. This is NOT A DATE. There is not one person to blame here, it’s everyone. It’s that the guy probably heard his friends getting away with this pathetic attempt at winning over a girl’s emotions, *they succeeded* – and so the guy gives it a go himself – and he succeeds, too! The more we validate this as an acceptable form of “hanging out,” the more it will happen. Why would a guy pay for your dinner when he can get away with just inviting you over – not spending any money, not having to dress up, not having to get in a car and drive somewhere, etc. It makes sense honestly, so the guy is not the only one to blame. However, I have been on many dates where the guy still goes “old school” as I like to call it. For the most part, a lot of the dates I have been on have been meeting for drinks and dinner. Even if I offer, the guy has almost always paid the bill. The most chivalrous date I have been on was when a guy drove from Manhattan to Philadelphia to take me out. He did the following: came to my door when he was at my apartment (instead of texting “here” like most do), opened the car door for me, made me walk on the inside of the street (which I didn’t even know was a ‘thing’ at the time), paid for my dinner and drinks, and walked me to my door when the night was over. Whether or not this was genuine or just for show, the guy actually put in effort – which is almost obsolete in this day and age. I am telling you that there are still guys out there who will do these things for you, you just need to stop settling for the ones who won’t. #NetflixAndChillIsCoolButNotOnDatesOneTwoOrThree

3). Dating is like going on interviews, just go, no matter how much you don’t want to. I bet you have been asked out by a guy who you just felt, “meh” about. He asked you out, and you said yes, but then when it comes to the day before the date, you wanna bail and cancel. DON’T. Unless you have a legit conflict (or he’s your friend’s ex-boyfriend #GirlCode), just go on the date. Dating is like going on interviews because the more experience, the better. You are obviously not going to get every job you interview for, but with more interview experience, the more comfortable you feel. Practice makes perfect, and when you go on your first few Image result for first dateinterviews, you feel nervous as fuck. But after 8-10 interviews, it’s not as threatening as it was before. Same thing with dating. You’ll find yourself less jittery before the date and more of your comfortable normal self. The second point is another famous cliche, “never judge a book by it’s cover.” Just because you’re not crazy about this guy from the bat, doesn’t mean you know his full story. Give it a chance, you never know who will surprise you. What’s the worst that can happen? You don’t get the job? You don’t like the guy? Cool, then you don’t have to see them again. You don’t have to live with the regret of what could have happened.

4). Live in the moment. Live in the moment. Live in the moment. *The most important piece of advice I have absorbed over the past year. My therapist once told me this, and I said, “How though?” Trust me, it takes time to train your mind to think this way. Females are notorious for thinking about the future: is he the marrying type? I wonder how many kids he wants? Is his job stable for our future? – Whenever we have a good date, we start painting pictures in our head with this person – don’t lie, I know you’ve done it before. This is normal, especially females, since society likes to put these strict timelines in front of us: don’t get married after 35, don’t get married before 25, if you’re 40, it’s too lateblah, blah, blah. Females tend to overthink everything, hence why we have been labeled “crazy” by the male Image result for female overthinking textspopulation. We overthink things because we are insecure plain and simple. All of this thinking about the future and questioning this stranger’s potential with us makes us fucking miserable. Because you know what? Half the time we start getting excited about the “future” or thinking ahead, it never actually happens – and then we start reminiscing about the past and questioning what we did wrong. Just live in the moment, enjoy the date – if he texts you after, awesome. If he doesn’t, cool. His loss. Continue to build up your confidence in the “now” so you do not have to question your own actions by overthinking.

5). You can blame the dude, but you can’t blame the dude for everything. Listen, I am the first one to admit that guys are assholes. I mean, I have a section on here that talks about how guys are “fuckboys.” However, we have to take some responsibility, ladies. You see so many memes and stories online of females blaming dudes for EVERYTHING in the relationship. I look back on my 2 serious relationships, and in the moment, I thought I was an angel, lol. I look back now and Image result for im sorrysay, “Gosh, I was not such a great girlfriend.” I look back and realize a lot of the things I said or did, and notice the lack of clarity in my judgment or communication. Look at the quote, “Sometimes you win,  and sometimes you learn.” Just because I made mistakes, doesn’t mean I failed at being a girlfriend. I tell everyone that I learned SO much in both of my relationships, like… SO much that I think I would be an awesome girlfriend right now, lol. My last boyfriend cheated on me, but I would never say that the relationship ending was “his fault.” I made a ton of mistakes in that relationship, essentially because I was not mentally healthy for one. AM I condoning his cheating? No. But it’s not the only reason the relationship failed. Guys are assholes, ladies, but we have to take ownership of our screw-ups, too.

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11 year age gap. Who cares when both are so perfect together! ❤

6). Age is just a number. I’m not gonna lie, I have my ‘dating age range’ of guys who I would consider date-able, however for me, this is more just about having a partner that is healthy and young to still want to have kids and/or able to. So being 25, my [ideal] age range is 25-35. Yet, this doesn’t mean that I will not accept a date with a 24 year old who is mature, successful, and has the same goals as I do. I hear so many people say they won’t date someone younger than them, or they won’t date someone older than 30. Why? I have met 21 year old’s more mature than 27 year olds I have dated. A lot of people say that ‘boys never grow up’ or that some don’t become a man until they become a dad. I agree with the fact that males are typically more immature than females, but just because a guy is a dad, does not mean he is necessarily more mature than a guy who does not have kids. If you are someone who is somewhat ‘ageist‘ – chill, most of the time we cannot even guess people’s ages correctly. Most people think I am 21-22. So just give everyone a chance, or maybe don’t even ask about their age in the first place.

7). Most of us are not even ready to date, yet, we do. Was I ready to date my ex-boyfriend in 2012? Nope. Did I anyway? Yes. However at the time, I had no idea how insecure and emotionally unstable I was. Like I said before, I look back now and realize how many serious mistakes I made in the past when it comes to dating. Unfortunately, a lot of people are afraid of talking about their weaknesses or insecurities. Another handful of people are living in denial, so they don’t even believe they have any flaws in their persona (the ones who blame their partner for everything). Take a look at some statistics here and here about women/girls and Image result for work on yourselftheir levels of self-confidence and self-esteem. When we lack confidence and self-awareness, our perception is essentially distorted. We are overly sensitive and take things too personally. We lash out on others (our partners usually) because we are battling with ourselves internally. How many relationships have you heard of or seen where neither person trusts each other? Insecurity. Accused of cheating? Insecurity. Can’t be friends with the opposite sex? Insecurity. When we jump into relationships and do not have strong/stable mental and emotional health, we are bound to run into layers of obstacles and battles with our partner. Therefore, be honest with yourself: do you like the way you look in the mirror? can you rattle off 10 things you love about yourself without thinking? can you be alone for a period of time without feeling lonely? do you care about how many likes or followers you have on Instagram? If you have any hesitance about those questions, it’s probably not the best time to get into a relationship. *You have to love yourself before anyone can love you* #Cliche #IKnow #ButSoTrue 

8). Fuck the movies. Whether movies are based on a true story or completely fictional, they.are.movies. Actors are “performers,” they are not giving you the 100% true reality of an occurrence. They practice how to be dramatic in order to elicit an emotion/reaction from the audience. Although some of these scenes you see in movies and on TV may appear realistic, just take it with a grain of salt. Stop comparing your love life to Hollywood’s portrayal of it, it’s no way to live your life in your twenties.

9). You can text him first and you won’t die. What is the most popular ‘dating rule’ you have ever heard of? For me, it’s “don’t text the guy first.” For the most part, I have followed this rule. According to a favorite Millennial movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” if someone wants to see you, they will make it happen – right? If a guy wants to date you, then he’ll ask you out. Obviously from these statements, we are lead to believe that we should just wait to see if he texts us. While I don’t necessarily think this is terrible advice, I believe that if you really had a good vibe funny-girl-texting-guy-first-without-complainingor feeling from the date, you can reach out to him first. Since last time I checked, most humans aren’t mind-readers. What’s the worst that can happen? He doesn’t answer? He says no? Okay, so move on with your life, lol. It’s that simple. I feel like some females think texting the guy first is like committing social suicide – as if everyone will think you are some desperate sad girl. The last guy I was dating, I met him out with my friends on a Wednesday night. We had an awesome time, he gave me his number, and after 1 week of not hearing from him, I texted him the next Wednesday and asked to meet for drinks. He said yes. When I asked him in person why he didn’t text me, he said, “I was waiting till Thursday to text you.” Lol. So honestly, don’t get worked up. Sometimes they are just as nervous or skeptical about what to say as we are (which my guy friends have admitted to me as well). Give it some time after the first date. If you really felt something, text him, and if he is busy or doesn’t text back… #OnToTheNextOne.

10). Stay off his social media unless you want to drive yourself insane. Guys do it, but girls do it better: social stalking. Guys, most of us have already [cyberly] met your 1st cousins and memorized the name of the hotel you stayed at during your vacation to Cancun last summer by the 2nd date. Why? Because we want to know MORE. We want to know your history, what girl you dated in the past, what do Image result for stalking his ex memeyou do on the weekend, are you a selfie-dude? etc. However, most of the time we are looking for 1 thing: the ex-girlfriend. We find the ex-girlfriend, then read the captions he posted about her, go to her profile, judge her hair, makeup, body, & clothes, and then live in misery comparing ourselves to her. We’ve all done it, and I even know some girls who have created a fake Facebook just for stalking purposes. Not.Kidding. While it’s almost like second nature to instantly check out his social media pages, try to refrain yourself from doing it, I don’t know, less than twice a day? Less than 5 times a day? One of my favorite quotes is, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” We naturally compare ourselves without even thinking about it – it’s how we are wired [especially] in the age of social media. Since like 80-90% of females have admitted to feeling insecure, looking at his ex-girlfriend(s) will most likely just strengthen your self-doubts – leading to fights, arguments, lack of trust, loyalty, etc.

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Last words… This is my personal take on Dating in 2017. Summary? It kind of sucks. With social media so prevalent and invasive, it’s easy to drive yourself completely insane before, during, and after a date. Instead of phone calls, people text you, DM you, or Snapchat you – nothing seems special anymore. There are times when I have called a guy and they picked up the phone confused, like if something was terribly wrong. I doubt these current behaviors and standards of ‘society’ will actually change, so it’s all about who you choose to spend time around and what you will and will not tolerate/accept. It’s up to you to accept or deny a “netflix and chill” hangout, it’s up to you to text him first or not, it’s up to you to work on your self-esteem before going out in the dating battlefield. Most people like to just blame “fuckboys” or blame where the met someone, or the shitty day they were having that affected their mood/vibe. You are in control of all your problems, and you are in control of what you define as a ‘problem.’ This is all subjective. You can choose to answer a 3 a.m. “wyd” text, or call him out on his shit. Standards. Standards. Standards.

In order to adopt a successful dating life (I don’t mean getting a boyfriend after the first date – I mean meeting high quality people, networking, feeling good about yourself, enjoying new experiences, etc), you have to believe in your own awesomeness and set standards. Don’t let the fuckboy get the best of you 😉

The 10 Most Important Life Lessons I’ve Learned at 25

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  1. ****You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with**** – This has been the most important lesson I have learned over the past few years Image result for vintage black and white photosespecially. I’ve learned that it is OKAY to eliminate people from your life, or take a step back from them if you feel they are not the best influence towards your goals and attitude. In the past, I did everything I could to avoid confrontation (I would just say ‘yes’ to everything). All I wanted was for everyone to like me. After realizing that (1) it is impossible for everyone to like you, and (2) confrontation is a part of life that is never going away, I finally began to distance myself from friends who had a pessimistic attitude, valued materialism and social status, abused drugs or alcohol, etc. I realized that many of these people were interfering with my personal growth and progress, and if I want to be successful, I have to surround myself around other successful people… not losers.
  2. It’s okay to say no. Naturally, females have a difficult time saying “no.” We are the ones who constantly say “sorry” and apologize for such ludicrous things. I was the person who dropped whatever I was doing to hangout with a guy just to please him, or I would agree to go somewhere with my friends when I really just wanted to stay home. I have finally been able to say “no” when I don’t want to do something, or offer other options when I have prior plans already made.
  3. Half your friends are engaged or married, and half your friends are just as lost as you are. Self-explanatory. It’s a pretty even divide at this age of people you Image result for vintage black and white photos quotesknow who are set on their soulmate, and others who are still swiping right or left on Tinder during their commute (I vowed to no longer use Tinder as it’s never been a successful platform for me, however, I LinkedIn request handsome men who work for companies in my building like Cushman & Wakefield. So now you can feel better about yourself for using Tinder or Bumble since I’m way more creepier. Also, so far it’s had a 0% success rate). It’s okay to be single when you’re 25. It’s okay to be single when you’re 30, 35, 40, etc. Single at 25 > Divorced at 30.
  4. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Take risks. Sit at a bar by yourself. Go to the movies by yourself. Ask a guy out. Compliment a stranger. Wear something you wouldn’t usually wear. Whatever feels “weird” to you, do it. Nothing is worse than only doing what feels “comfortable” to you your whole life. There are so many things I used to fear when I was younger, like going to a bar by myself, publishing my blog pieces and sharing them on Facebook, uploading a gym selfie to Instagram – LOL, no joke (now it’s like a gym selfie every other day #noshame #ididntalwayshaveabuttsoiamproudofit). I used to worry so much about the possible repercussions or what people thought of me. Which brings me to my next point…
  5. Life is so much better when you stop caring what other people think about you. I wrote a blog piece about this when I used to write for Thought Catalog. I explained that throughout my whole life, all I cared about was what others thought about me. I thrived off of the approval of others. All I wanted was for people to Image result for vintage black and white photoscompliment my outfits or say that I looked skinny. After the 30 seconds of internal gratification, the happiness fades. You can’t live your life for someone else. We are all genetically different creatures, and we all will have different opinions on things. Just because something is “out of season” or labeled as “un-trendy” doesn’t mean you can’t wear it. Just because your friend said she hates when you wear purple eyeshadow, doesn’t mean you can’t wear it. Just because your parents don’t like your boyfriend’s haircut, doesn’t mean you can’t date him. You have to do what makes you happy. I spent a huge portion of my life trying to live for other people – making sure they would approve of me, and you see how that turned out?–I was almost hospitalized and sent to rehab for an eating disorder and have been on anti-anxiety/depression meds for over 12 years. In conclusion: do what you wanna do.
  6. Always stay a student. This is one of the most important takeaways I have absorbed from my latest read, Ego is the Enemy. You’ll come across a lot of people in your life who are those annoying AF “I-know-it-all” people. At work you will come across horrid managers who disregard every one of your suggestions. At Image result for vintage black and white photos bookfamily gatherings you will run into that one relative whose only existence seems to spread their ‘superior‘ political opinion across the buffet table. In order to prevent yourself from turning into a close-minded egotistical asshole, you need to open your mind to obtaining new and foreign knowledge. How do you do this? Read. Read. Keep reading. Travel. Research. Read. Just because you are passionate about your religion, doesn’t mind you can’t learn about another one. No one is asking you to change your beliefs or values. The more you know, the more you grow. Knowledge is power. Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth
  7. You choose your peers, not your parents. Similar to number (1), but emphasizing that your parents are your parents, so whatever stupid things you disagree with with them, get over it. Unfortunately I cannot say this about everyone’s parents, but most parents just want the best for you at the end of the Image result for vintage black and white photos familyday. When we are in the midst of a heated argument and livid with frustration, we don’t realize the reasoning behind what our parents say or do. They gave you food to eat and clothes to wear on your back – they want you to succeed. They want you to live a better life than they did. Accept that you won’t always agree with what they say, and embrace all the little (or big) things that they have done for you that often go unnoticed. If you don’t have the best relationship or support system from  your parents – that’s OK – you can choose your peers, they are not picked for you. Surround yourself with the best support system who will lift you up if your parents cannot.
  8. You’re gonna have a job that sucks, and it’s OK to quit. Do what makes you happy. It is rare that someone walks straight out of college, and lives the next 40-50 years, bounces from job to job and loves each and every one of them. My last job was absolute hell. It was quite similar to The Devil Wears Prada in many ways: it was located in the competitive heart of New York City, I worked with 40+ Image result for vintage black and white photos quotesaggressively opinionated women, I stayed at the office past 10pm most nights, my work phone went off every minute of the day, I worked on weekends, holidays, etc. I was legit miserable. It was the first time I actually threw up from anxiety, and woke up with horrendous panic attacks. I had a condescending manager who would give me back-handed compliments or talk down to me like I was a 16 year old. One day when I had to work on a Sunday, I decided that I’ve finally had enough. I completed the assignment I had to do after 3 hours, cleared my laptop and work phone, and laid them on my desk with my badge before exiting the building. I [happily] quit. Initially I felt like a failure, and labeled myself as a “quitter,” yet my mental, physical, and emotional health was truly being compromised. I’ve never felt so exhausted in my life. My health is my number 1 priority, not some stupid entry-level job that thinks body lotion is just as important as brain surgery. The agency work-life balance has essentially become nonexistent. I took some time off, was picky in offers to accept, and now I am working at a great company with an awesome manager and co-workers. Jobs are jobs, not a death sentence.
  9. Do as best as you can to live in the moment. All my family and friends know how much I battle with anxiety and panic attacks. Anyone who has lived with anxiety knows that: it can happen at any time, there can be no reason why you are Image result for vintage black and white photos quoteshaving anxiety, it can feel like it’s the end of the world, and lastly… it’s temporary. I remember my therapist telling me in college, “The feeling doesn’t last forever. It will go away.” Whenever I have anxiety/panic attacks now, that is what I recite in my head, since sometimes during a panic attack you feel like you’re world is ending one second at a time. I get a lot of anxiety when I think about the future or the past. I think about mistakes I made, or I think about what may or may not happen in the future. This is the perfect thing to do if you want to drive yourself completely insane. I’ve learned that when in comes to your career, your friendships, your dating life [especially], just live in the moment. Stop thinking about whether you and this guy will evolve into a relationship. Stop thinking about whether you will get that promotion within the next 6 months. Live in the now – enjoy the happiness you have with this guy currently, and work your ass off in the role you are in now. I can’t tell you how much this has helped especially in my dating life. If you’re happy now, enjoy it. Don’t stress yourself out by thinking about the what if’s. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
  10. You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors. One of my biggest weaknesses is comparing myself to others. My whole life I wanted to be the skinniest girl out of my friend group, or the girl who had the best fashion sense. If I noticed someone else who was smarter, prettier, or skinnier than I was, I would immediately start comparing myself to them and pointing out all my flaws. Want to know how to make yourself miserable in less than a few minutes? Compare yourself to others. I have done this for the majority of my life, and I ended up with multiple mental disorders and thoughts about suicide. It is the WORST thing you Image result for don't be so hard on yourselfcan do to yourself. The reality is that there is always going to be someone who is taller, richer, smarter, prettier, or skinnier than you are. Always. The worst part about comparing yourself to others is that we only can notice a fraction of their life. Maybe a girl is skinnier than you, but maybe she’s also throwing up all her meals. Maybe your best friend has nicer clothes than you, but maybe she’s also in $20,000 of debt. You have NO IDEA what is going on behind closed doors. Look at all these famous celebrities — they appear to have it all: the clothes, the cars, the relationship, the money. Then out of the blue, you hear that they are battling with depression, drug abuse, eating disorders, suicidal attempts, etc. As cliché as it is, you can never judge a book by it’s cover. You never know the full story of someone’s life but your own. If you want to be any of the above characteristics, then you can – but you will still always be you. You will never be anyone else, and they can never be you. Once I stopped comparing myself to other people and said to myself, “Who knows what’s going on in their life,” my happiness started to peak through more and more. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Stubborn People Are Already Dying

You know the kind of people I appreciate? The ones where you call them out on their not-so-complimentary characteristics and/or behaviors and they actually own up to it. What is that called again? Honesty? Self-awareness? Compliant?

Naturally, we do not want to be wrong; we don’t want someone to challenge our beliefs, to question our actions, or to disagree with something that we feel quite strongly about. Flunking a test you thought you aced, dropping weights you thought you could lift, being rejected for a job you thought you would score — examples of results from events that we could have prepared better for, overestimated less, etc. However, what happens when someone questions our own characteristics? Our persona? Our morals and values?

For the millionth time on this blog, I am quoting Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck:” who you attract [or don’t attract] into your life, and who you Image result for proximity is powerkeep [or who you don’t] in your life boils down to what you value. In essence, if you value intelligence, you will attract [and keep] intelligent people around yourself. If you value sense of humor, you will hang around people who are funny (Proximity is Power! You choose your peers!). Pretty simple, right? However, we often do not realize our own characteristics unless people reinforce it to us. Comedians are comedians because people laugh at what they stay. People reinforce to comedians “you are funny,” [by laughing] therefore, comedians recognize one of their defining characteristics as “humorous.”

This goes for characteristics we are not called out on as well. If no one criticizes or calls us out on the things we do or say, we rarely recognize them on our own. Like I said earlier, we want to believe we are right; and that are morals/values are supported. If I steal money from someone and no one tells me that it was ‘wrong,’ then why would I question my actions? Why would I get down on myself if it’s not something that is criticized?

Unfortunately, even when we are told we are wrong, most of enter the ever-so-popular denial phase. Denial is surrounded by synonyms like defensive, stubborn, uncompromising, etc. Most things in life are subjective, so it’s not like most of the time we are morally wrong when someone says we are. In other words, just because someone disagrees with us, it doesn’t necessarily mean we are wrong and they are right and vice versa.

Yet, there are a plethora of topics that are universally objective (yet still not completely). For example, breaking the law, lying, cheating, drug abuse, etc. These things all have generally negative connotations and have a lower rate of conflicting viewpoints (on the other hand, think of political, religious, and social issues which are all topics with a high rate of conflicting viewpoints). If you cheat on your partner, most people will agree that it was not a ‘good choice’ on your part, however, it depends if these people will actually confront you about your decision (or if you even tell them about it since naturally we want to avoid confrontation/criticism).

When I read Manson’s chapter about self-awareness and personal values, it made me think, “what do I value? what do I deem to be the most credible characteristics? what values do I admire about myself that I want to see in others around me?”

As I mentioned above, we are aware of many of our characteristics by the reinforcement of others. People obviously do not reinforce me with the statement, “You are tall,” because I am obviously short. However, if people started to tell me that I am tall, I may start to believe that I am tall.

The most frequent characteristics that people use to describe me are: blunt, honest, funny, compassionate, hard-working, perfectionist. All of these characteristics I am proud of, and just like anyone else, I have characteristics that I am not proud of: insecure, indecisive, self-conscious, etc. I do feel lucky that I can recognize my faults, as many people obviously have a hard time doing so (cough Donald Trump cough cough cough cough). People who have a high sense of entitlement, cockiness, and pretentiousness usually have a hard time recognizing any flaws in their persona.

I have realized from my many years of dating and the #singlelife encounters I have experienced, the one characteristic that I can’t quite get past is stubbornness. If someone I am dating displays any hint of stubbornness, I almost immediately mentally check out of the date. I wouldn’t say someone who is stubborn is not honest, but rather they are not honest with themselves. I do believe they lack self-awareness and mentally cannot acknowledge their flaws. I know A LOT of stubborn people: I have worked with them, I have befriended them, I have and still am related to them. Both my brothers and my mom are incredibly stubborn about certain topics that arise in life. I honestly don’t recall my mom every saying the word “sorry.” I love my mom, and I we have a very good relationship at the moment. However, we have also had more arguments and vicious screaming battles than I can count.

What is shocking to me is that many people don’t find stubbornness to even be an unattractive characteristic. I think some people pair stubbornness with passion, I.E., those people who are so set in their ways/beliefs/opinions are just incredibly passionate about them. I can see the correlation in this viewpoint, however, stubbornness brings me to another Manson quote, “Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.” This is very similar to Voltaire’s quote, “Doubt is not a
pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd
.” What does this mean? Yes it feels uncomfortable to have doubts about something and not feel 100% right. However, Image result for doubt is not a pleasant condition but certainty is absurdit’s worse to think you know it all, all the time, and not question your own self. To question our beliefs and our knowledge is vital. If all we want and choose to believe is only what’s in our head, we are putting a dangerous barrier in front of our growth and success. I mean honestly, what is science? Science is the study of constantly observing and experimenting the physical and natural world. Your hypothesis is your question – what are you trying to prove or disapprove? New information arises from questioning other ideas and behaviors. How would we know so many of the thing we know today without embracing experimentation and questioning? Someone who is stubborn is closed off from embracing new information or questioning their own. For me, someone who is not willing to learn is someone who I cannot date. 

I am currently in the process of reading Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday. I think EVERYONE should read this book. It has a lot of similar themes that Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck has. In Part II – Chapter 1 “Always Stay a Student,” Holiday talks about the importance of keeping a humble mind, and never acting as if you know everything. You are never a master in anything. Although you may think you know everything about making a martini, there is a plethora of knowledge you still don’t know, and that is still being questioned. Holiday quotes, “If you are not still learning, you are already dying.” If you decide to stay in your comfort zone of beliefs and knowledge, you are essentially putting yourself in more danger than you think. You are limiting the knowledge you can acquire, and we all know the very popular saying, “Knowledge is Power.”

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One of my favorite quotes is, “Be comfortable with being uncomfortable.” Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you really want to succeed, become a CEO, entrepreneur, meet awesome people, you must accept being told you are wrong (accept humility) and understand that people will constantly criticize and/or question your beliefs. Like I said earlier, this is not a situation of who is wrong and who is right. It’s understanding that maybe your way of thinking isn’t the ONLY way of thinking. Opening your mind to new and challenging ideas is the beginning of personal, emotional, spiritual, and mental growth.

Do not be stubborn. Open your mind. Accept your flaws and accept humility. Those who are humble are those who improve.